GETTING THE VOLCOSELTZER TABLET FIFTH LEVEL The room is filled entirely with extremely large barrels, most of which are marked to say which type of vegetable is inside the barrel. Your eye is particular drawn to the cabbage barrel, the broccoli barrel, and an unmarked barrel. To the north you see an open panel revealing an elevator. You don't see any warrior king here. If there is a warrior king for the fifth level he's either invisible, hiding, or on vacation. >n ELEVATOR >push wavy lines You push the blue wavy lines. The panel to the south closes, and the elevator rises. Then the panel to the south opens, revealing the Second Level. >s SECOND LEVEL >take novel You take a used paperback novel off of the shelving. >d You climb down the stone staircase to the First Level. FIRST LEVEL In the small indentation you see a pebble. You see a black bowl containing a spoon here. >put five dollar bill in mouth The five dollar bill is now in the east foo dog's mouth. >s The east foo dog closes his mouth. When he opens it again the money is gone. "Mu-u-u!!" ------------- Press space bar to continue ----------------- You continue leaving the store. WALMART PARKING LOT >w PHONE BOOTH, in the WalMart parking lot You hear the computerized voice tell you (somewhat faintly since the receiver is hanging down on its cord) ... Press "1" to be enlightened. Press "3" to be cleansed. Press "9" to be returned. If you do not have access to a touch tone phone, please remain on the line and an operator will assist you. >press "9" You pick up the receiver. You press "9". You hear the sound of a motor grinding, the door slams closed, and the phone booth suddenly rises upwards very quickly, flying high into the air. The telephone voice tells you, "Estimated travel time for this six mile trip is three minutes, using standard travel speed." The phone booth flies southeast. After about three minutes of flying it drops down through an opening Martin's roof and comes to an abrupt halt in the pantry. The phone booth door opens. PHONE BOOTH, in the pantry You see the kitchen to the east. You see Agador-Spartacus in the kitchen. He's wagging his tail. >e You drop the receiver. KITCHEN You see an envelope, a large stack of catalogs, a phone bill, a gold key, "The Bedtime Story Book", "The Boy Who Had No Words", a yellow feather, a small phone book, a short blue sock, a long black sock, a handwritten note, a bath robe, a pair of brown shoes, a short brown sock, a short black sock, some ballet slippers, a fake can of spam, a mug of black coffee, a plucked daisy, a plucked tulip, and two short white socks here. Agador-Spartacus stands before you, wagging his tail affably. >drop slinky Slinky is now on the floor. Slinky scurries off, disappearing from your sight. You have no doubt that he will be able to find his way back to the bookcases in the living room. Agador-Spartacus stands before you, wagging his tail affably. >w PHONE BOOTH, in the pantry You see Agador-Spartacus in the kitchen. He's wagging his tail. You hear the computerized voice tell you (somewhat faintly since the receiver is hanging down on its cord) ... Press "1" to be enlightened. Press "3" to be cleansed. Press "4" to be uplifted. Press "7" to be moved. Press "9" to be transmogrified. If you do not have access to a touch tone phone, please remain on the line and an operator will assist you. >press "4" You press "4". You hear the sound of a motor grinding, the door slams closed, and the phone booth suddenly rises upwards very quickly. Then, just as suddenly, the phone booth comes to a screeching halt. The phone booth door opens. PHONE BOOTH, by the second floor landing You see the second floor landing to the east. >press "4" You press "4". The telephone voice speaks again: "Additional uplift requires pre- programmed GSC coordinates. Please wait while your Phantom Phone booth accesses this information." After a pause the voice resumes. "Pre-programmed GSC coordinates have been found. Estimated transit time using standard drive capabilities exceeds the expected life expectancy of this vehicle. Please wait while your Phantom Phone Booth scans for any custom drive mechanisms that may have been previously installed." After a pause the voice resumes. "A custom drive mechanism has been located. Recalculated transit time using the custom drive mechanism is twelve minutes." You hear the sound of a motor grinding and a high pitched whistle. The door slams closed. ------------- Press space bar to continue ----------------- Then, the grinding of the motor and the whistle is suddenly silenced. The voice says, "Uplift preparation has been terminated. Inadequate fuel conditions exist because the fuel previously residing in the custom drive mechanism has failed to meet the minimum potency threshhold and has therefore been destroyed. Drive specifications require fuel that has not been exposed to organic decomposition in excess of 216 hours." You hear the computerized voice tell you... Press "1" to be enlightened. Press "3" to be cleansed. Press "4" to be uplifted. Press "7" to be moved. Press "9" to be returned. If you do not have access to a touch tone phone, please remain on the line and an operator will assist you. >break broccoli You break the large piece of broccoli. Now there is a small broccoli sprig too. You hear the computerized voice tell you... Press "1" to be enlightened. Press "3" to be cleansed. Press "4" to be uplifted. Press "7" to be moved. Press "9" to be returned. If you do not have access to a touch tone phone, please remain on the line and an operator will assist you. >put sprig in drawer You put the small broccoli sprig in the drawer. The drawer closes automatically and the lever goes down. You hear some grinding noises as the small broccoli sprig is accepted into the metal device. You hear the computerized voice tell you... Press "1" to be enlightened. Press "3" to be cleansed. Press "4" to be uplifted. Press "7" to be moved. Press "9" to be returned. If you do not have access to a touch tone phone, please remain on the line and an operator will assist you. >press "4" You press "4". The telephone voice speaks again: "Additional uplift requires pre- programmed GSC coordinates. Please wait while your Phantom Phone booth accesses this information." After a pause the voice resumes. "Pre-programmed GSC coordinates have been found. Estimated transit time using standard drive capabilities exceeds the expected life expectancy of this vehicle. Please wait while your Phantom Phone Booth scans for any custom drive mechanisms that may have been previously installed." After a pause the voice resumes. "A custom drive mechanism has been located. Recalculated transit time using the custom drive mechanism is twelve minutes." You hear the sound of a motor grinding and a high pitched whistle. ------------- Press space bar to continue ----------------- The phone booth suddenly rises upwards very quickly. It goes through the roof and rises rapidly upwards through the sky. The speed of the phone booth accelerates so rapidly that you find yourself thrown down and pushed into the floor with great force. You notice that everything has gotten quite dark outside the phone booth and you can see stars. You realize that you're in outer space! The earth looks quite beautiful from here. PHONE BOOTH, in outer space Fortunately the phone booth is airtight and seems to be providing for your basic environmental needs, including replenishment of oxygen in the air. You tell yourself that when this adventure is all over you need to get yourself a Phantom Phone Booth! Suddenly you feel the phone booth jerk and tremble. The earth and the stars are blotted out by blinding white light. After a few seconds the light goes out and you wonder if you have gone blind. Then the stars reappear, totally rearranged. You're not sure what just happened, but you don't see the earth here anywhere. You have the feeling that you are much farther away from home than you were before. The air in the phone booth tastes a little bitter, sort of like broccoli. ------------- Press space bar to continue ----------------- You find that you're floating weightless inside of the phonebooth. You look out at the stars as the phone booth turns slowly. And then you see it -- an extremely large white cylinder. You suspect that it's a space station. After a while you see a hatch opening on the cylinder, and you feel the phone booth slowly moving towards the hatch. Someone has noticed that you're here! The phone booth is pulled into an airlock. It's a tight fit and you can see that the airlock is just barely large enough to accomodate the phone booth. There's some artficial gravity here, enough to keep you on the ground. But you still have the feeling that you're much lighter than you should be. In front of the phone booth door is a transparent panel. Two round blob-like aliens are staring at you from the other side of the panel. One of them is green and the smaller one is orange. Each blob has three arms, one leg, and a rather large antenna on top of its head. ------------- Press space bar to continue ----------------- You get the feeling that the blob-like aliens are trying to figure out what sort of a creature you are. They probably won't let you out of the airlock if they think you might be dangerous. So you do your best to appear mostly harmless. The green blob points to the used paperback novel that you're carrying as if he is asking you what it is. You shout out the title at him, hoping that you can be heard through the transparent panel. "So Long and Thanks for All the Fish," you cry. The blobs seem impressed. Apparently they have some familiarity with spoken English, and you suspect that the green one might also have recognized something familiar about the cover of the novel. At any rate, the orange blob pushes a control button and the transparent panel disappears. You open the phone booth door and step out into the space station. ------------- Press space bar to continue ----------------- SPACE STATION You fall to your knees, weak and gasping for breath. Something is wrong with the air! The two blobs hop over to your side, obviously upset but uncertain about what to do. Their antennas quiver at each other, apparently in some sort of communication, perhaps telepathic. Your headphones translate this for you. The orange blob says, "Quick! Activate the cleaning hologram. He'll know what to do!" "Yes, of course," says the green blob. "He's always telling us that he was originally designed as an emergency medical hologram. And he has opposable thumbs, just like this one does!" The green blob pushes a button and a hologram materializes in front of you. The hologram looks like a balding, middle-aged human male. Judging from his arrogant bedside manner, you conclude that he must have received training as a physician. The Doctor speaks, but the language isn't anything that you've heard before. But your headphones translate the Doctor's words as "Please state the nature of the medical emergency." The Doctor takes one look at you and immediately realizes that you are suffocating from lack of oxygen. He quickly pushes a few buttons. Oxygen hisses into the air, and after a while you begin to feel better. ------------- Press space bar to continue ----------------- The Doctor talks to the blobs, apparently berating them for bringing you into the space station without first ascertaining your environmental needs. Then the Doctor turns to speak directly to you. The hologram examines the fish inside your headphones. "What have you been doing to these fish!?!" he demands. "Why isn't the female pregnant yet? Babelfish mating pairs are ALWAYS expecting unless they have a mineral deficiency. You haven't been keeping them in a volcano lake, have you?" The sheepish expression on your face reveals the truth that these fish have indeed been spending time in a volcano lake. "Well, then, you'd better make sure that they get the minerals that they need to reproduce. Here, take this VolcoSeltzer tablet and don't call me in the morning. If you experience eruptions lasting longer than four hours, seek immediate medical attention. Take better care of those fish!" The Doctor pauses to cluck his tongue at you before continuing his tirade. "Not everyone in the galaxy speaks English, you know." The blobs hops up and down in protest. "My tongue speaketh the language of the Bard," protests the orange blob. "'Twas learned from the missive sent from afar, receiv'd not but a fortnight past," he protests again. But the Doctor has no patience for this, so he turns back to speak to you. "The blob protests too much, methinks," says the Doctor. ------------- Press space bar to continue ----------------- Now that the Doctor has finished lecturing everyone, he points to the phone booth in a gesture that clearly indicates it's time for you to leave. You get back in the phone booth and close the door. Then you notice that your paperback novel is on the floor of the space station. It must have fallen when you were trying to catch your breath. But that's OK, you tell yourself. You doubt that the blobs know how to read English (at least not yet anyway) but somehow it feels right and proper to leave it here with them. You notice that the two blobs are flicking antennae at each other. Your headphones translate for you. The orange blob says, "Well that was a quick visit. But at least now we now know that the babelfish you sent to Douglas Adams actually got delivered to the right planet." The green blob adds happily, "And he wrote such a nice thank-you note!" At the push of a button the transparent panel reappears and air drains out of the airlock. The outer hatch opens, and the phone booth is pushed back outside. You press "7" to return to earth. You barely notice the return trip. Before long you find that you and the phone booth are in the pantry. The phone booth door opens. PHONE BOOTH, in the pantry You see the kitchen to the east. ------------- Press space bar to continue ----------------- You see Agador-Spartacus in the kitchen. He's wagging his tail. You hear the computerized voice tell you... Press "1" to be enlightened. Press "3" to be cleansed. Press "4" to be uplifted. Press "7" to be moved. Press "9" to be transmogrified. If you do not have access to a touch tone phone, please remain on the line and an operator will assist you.